Time does not heal

It'e been awhile since my first post. Things have been busy with work and home but I feel it important to try and keep up with my blog. So many people say it helps to write your feelings down but I'm scared that once I start, I won't be able to stop.

It has been 19 months now since we said goodbye to Thomas and time does not heal. Time makes it feel worse. The world keeps turning and we have to keep turning with it whether we like it or not. What is the alternative? I guess we don't have to like it though. Some days I'm ok and others I just want to run screaming and crying. I said once, "I'm sick of my new life, I want my old one back". This new life lacks so much that we once had, the main thing being Thomas of course but it lacks so much life. You smile when you need to, laugh at the right time and to the outside world nothing is wrong. But inside is just a black hole, a never ending mass of sadness and loneliness. How can you be surrounded by people most of the day and yet still feel so lonely?

I am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. A silly statement but it's how I feel most days.

I so don't want this blog to be full of me whining. I don't want people to start to read this and not finish because I have depressed them so much. I do want to write about nice things too. Please don't give up on it yet. I'm sure I can find the good things too. Maybe I'll put up some happy photos, tell you some funny stories about Thomas and we can smile together.

If anyone reading this does know us and remembers a funny story, please post it in your comments. I would love to read it.

So, from my next post on I will start to write about our life. I can't promise I won't slip the odd sad moment in there but I will try very hard to keep it to a minimum :-)
I will keep up to date with my posting, add photos and try and make it a place where I can just talk, good and bad and people want to read it.

There, I've had my little vent and I'm going to try and do better. Thomas would want that and I don't want to let him down. I want him to look down at me from wherever he is up there (Still struggling with that whole thing) and be proud of his mum. I want to honour his memory and keep it alive.

Thank you for reading, if you got this far ha ha!

Hugs and kisses
xxoo

Well, here I am.....

I have thought about starting blog for quite awhile but didn't know where to start, what to write or if anyone would actually be interested in reading it. Then I thought, start at the start, write about what is going on and if no one reads this it doesn't really matter. It will hopefully help me understand my thoughts and feelings and provide a place to vent if I need to. And maybe another mum who has suffered a loss like me, it might help her to not feel so alone and isolated as the world keeps turning without our precious children still here.

So, I guess I should start from the begining of this horrible journey. It has been just over 17 months since we had to say goodbye to our little boy. Thomas had just turned 6 when the cancer won and took him from us. I will write in more detail about his 3 year journey soon. I do not want to overwhelm anyone reading this with too much to start with. There will be the right time for this as we go along.

Just briefly, Thomas was diagnosed at 3 in 2008 with a very rare bone and muscle cancer called Rhabdomyosarcoma. After reading up on this, we discovered that this cancer develops while still in the womb. I still look back at the first 3 years of Thomas' life and ask why I didn't pick up on any signs earlier. There just wasn't any. He met all his milestones on time and was a very happy energetic little boy until one day he had pain in his legs and trouble walking.

We spent almost 75 weeks in and out of the Royal Children's Hospital in Melbourne, Australia with chemo,blood transfusions and 2-3 week stays after Thomas became so sick after each round of chemo. Throw in 6 weeks of radiation to that too.

We got the fantastic news late 2009 that Thomas was in remission. We had beat the odds! That was until late 2010 when Thomas relapsed and there was nothing more we could do treatment wise. He had had all the top shelf and life time doses of chemo that his little body could handle. In September 2011, Thomas passed away at home in Matt's arms unable to breath.

Life as we know it changed that very moment. Nothing is the same or ever will be again. We are no longer a happy family of 5, but a sad and confused family of 4 trying to find answers as to why. A friend once said to me that even if someone told me why, the answer would still not be good enough. Deep down I probably agree but still ask the question. There is a hole in our hearts that can never be filled or fixed. No bandaid is big enough to cover and heal the wounds deep inside.

Some days I just cry and some days I am so angry that this has happened. I know I am not the only one out there dealing with this, and that does give me some comfort at times. Other days when I look around and see happy families everywhere and little boys running around riding their bike or kicking a ball, I do feel as though it is just me and everyone else has the perfect lives. I have learnt though that you never know who you are talking to. Some people can just hide their loss better than others. Some days I think I hide it well and not so well other days. I guess that is just part of this new life we now have to live.

I hope even one person that has read this feels that they are not alone. Sadly, loosing a child happens all over the world every day. It's not right and its not fair. It is not how the world is supposed to work. Your child buries you, not the other way around.

I think I have vented enough for my first blog. Thank you for reading. I will try and post often. Please feel free to comment and if you have lost a child please feel free to tell me your story.

Hugs and kisses
Xoxoxo

Thomas